Dr. Gilbert answers questions about grief and loss - 
 

I never know what to when someone dies. I worry that I make the person cry or feel worse. 
There are no magic words. It's helpful to remember that if you care, you cannot go wrong. You can comfort a person with a hug, a kind gesture or simply saying: "I'm sorry" or "How can I help?" Don't worry about making someone cry. Tears are not a bad thing: in fact they often help us feel better. (see article: I Never Know What To Say) 

What is "grief?" 
Grief is a reaction to loss. The loss can be triggered by a variety of events: death, divorce, health, relationships, a job, a pet, or personal security. When we experience loss in our lives, it is normal and natural to grieve. We experience grief emotionally, physically, socially and spiritually. Grief shows us that we are alive and able to care for others. It can also be an opportunity for personal growth. (see article: Grief = Love) 

How long does grief last? 
Just as it takes time to heal from physical injury, it also takes time to heal from major loss. Studies tell us that it takes more than a year to deal with major loss. The greater the loss, the longer the grief response. It is not unusual to feel that we sometimes "get worse before we get better." Health care providers recommend making no major changes or life decisions for at least a year after a major loss. (see article: Grief = Love) 
                                                                                                                                                                                      Why do we have funerals? 
There are two reasons for a funeral: to honor the life of the person who has died, and to bring survivors together to grieve, share memories and support one another. In one way, a funeral is a gift of love for your family member. Funerals may vary from a large, traditional public ceremony, a religious service, or a personal, private memorial service. The more personally involved the family, the more meaningful the funeral becomes. (see article: Funerals Are For The Living) 

What about my children? Is it appropriate to include them in a funeral? 
If a child is mature enough to attend a wedding or a formal service, then the child can also attend the funeral. There are steps we can take to help children deal with death. Talk to them, answer their questions, and encourage them to draw pictures or write poetry about their feelings of loss. Relate experiences they see in nature (the changing of the seasons, a fallen bird) to the loss of a loved one through death. Children are more resilient than we realize, and learning to cope with death helps them cope with life. (see article titled "Children and Death- and also see, Dr. Gilbert's book: "Beth's Story" in Voices Left Behind) 

My brother committed suicide, and I feel such anger and guilt. Is this normal? 
Death by suicide often leaves survivors struggling with complicated grief. It is believed that people who die of suicide are in acute personal pain (emotionally and/or physically) and are not choosing death as much as an end to unbearable pain. Loved ones often feel guilt (why didn't I stop him?) and anger (why did he do this?). These responses are normal and acceptable. (see article: SUICIDE: Why? What?)

Six mouths ago my husband died. I did better at the funeral than I'm doing now. We were married 40 years, and now I'm feeling lost and depressed. What can I do next? 
It's helpful to realize that "normal grief" takes a long time. You were together 40 years, and this is a huge adjustment. At the time of the funeral you were preoccupied and busy. Now, the thank you notes are written, the phones rings less, and it feels as though everyone has gone back to their own lives. This is part of what we call normal grief. It may be helpful to talk with family and friends, seek out a widowed support group, or talk with your clergy person, funeral director or physician. This difficult time in your life will get better with time if you give yourself "permission" to grieve. (see Dr. Gilbert's book: "Dot's Story- In Voices Left Behind) 

I think I'm depressed, but I don't know what to do about it. Will pills help? 
It's not unusual to experience some form of depression in life. Medication and psychotherapy can help, but first, professional evaluation is critical. Accurate evaluation will guide you to the proper form of treatment. Many forms of assistance are available, including: psychotherapy, pharmacology, support groups, literature and online support. (see article: Depression: I'm Walking In Glue) 

Help! Sometimes I feel like I will explode from all the stress inside me. 
You may have heard the expression that "stress can kill?" Studies prove that stress affects us physically and emotionally more seriously than we realize. However, there are many things you can do to relieve your stress. It's impossible to completely eliminate stress from our lives, but we can learn to manage it. Try to understand the roots of your stress and make changes when possible. The primary tools for stress reduction are: exercise, nutrition, adequate rest, avoiding toxic people when possible and finding a passion or a sense of purpose. 

I struggle with anxiety. How can I learn to control it? 
Many things can contribute to what is called "generalized anxiety." Anxiety resembles normal fear, even when there is no actual "danger." There are two aspects to anxiety: the physical aspect (heart racing, exaggerated breathing, sweating, trembling) and the psychological aspect (hyper-vigilance, a sense of impending danger, powerlessness, doubt, self-absorption). If you are experiencing these symptoms, it may be wise to seek professional help. Generally this is a highly treatable condition.